I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
