i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
