I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
