I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
