Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
