apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
