Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
