I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
