So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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