Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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