So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
