My hand turned me down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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