When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize