Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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