JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my sisters under your porch take her home
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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