shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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