Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
