3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
