Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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