Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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