so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
