I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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