Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
