you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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