That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
