i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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