I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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