why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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