All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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