So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
