I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
