I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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