You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
