My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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