Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
