I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
