You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
