is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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