I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
