we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
