I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
