i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
