cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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