I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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