I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
