And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
