Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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