i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
