I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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