I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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