Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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