I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
