Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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