thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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