so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
