At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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