I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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