I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
