remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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