uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
