Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
