Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
